I have been working some very long hours lately. The last few months I have been making the type art of I have been wanting to make for a very long time. I have also managed to carve out a small living from it.
All of a sudden this week I have felt unfulfilled, unsure of my path. Fears about money and success started to creep in again. I felt lost and not at all resembling what I have been feeling lately in my life. I posted an essay that I took down earlier today that to be perfectly honest was whiny and petty– all stemming from the conditioned fear that brought me a false sense of security from disappointment and failure.
I took it down because it was an older version of myself that I realize no longer serves this new dimension I have been observing that is possible. I call it – TRUST.
My wife and I sat outside tonight looking at the full moon and she asked why I was so upset?
I told her my whiny story and she showed me that everything that I thought about that story was false. It was an old familiar story nestled in fear. And all of a sudden I began to cry. The cool night air hugged me with the moon shining overhead and I realized I doubted this intelligence– this wisdom that has gotten me here to manifest a loving supporting wife and a life that lets me do what I truly love. How could I?
I was ashamed and felt so small. I had taken the gift and taken it for granted for the last few days. My fear got a hold of me like it had in the past and convinced me that I knew what should happen next instead of trusting what has always been guiding me closer to my heart and the life I dreamt about long ago as a child.
Trust has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life because as a person that did not have an easy upbringing it was very hard for me to trust anything. I have always doubted everything and a few months ago I felt that pessimism and fear just fall away as I gave myself more and more into a type of self therapy through my art work. Things that I did not think were possible happened and then all of a sudden today I realized I was slowly going back into the old fear– the conditioned state we are all familiar with.
And in that very moment I knew what I had to do– STOP and fall into that trust again. This that is happening to us has an intelligence and when we are clear in our hearts life responds. And yes as cheesy and as ridiculous as I think that sounds I know it to be true.
A few months ago some very strange things starting happening to me while making art and it felt like other dimensions of reality were being revealed. I was given access to something I did not know anything about and there started my journey into this trust. It has been a beautiful journey filled with tenderness and joy that I had honestly never experienced before. But today for some reason I forgot all that and entered an old familiar way that “I” knew that it should be this way instead of that way.
I don’t know if I could get back to her, but I think so. The road of open heartedness and tender vulnerability is available but it does not happen the way we think it should. It has its own timing and momentum and all you have to do is make yourself available whenever it calls.
I am willing, blindfolded, and entering something that my conditioning knows nothing about. I do not know or understand it, but it was there when I was born and has been with me my whole life and because I was always afraid I blocked it out. It is also in all of you reading this.
My heart is open and willing to follow this light. When we trust and are willing to make ourselves an instrument instead of the subject of our lives amazing things can happen.
I have so much love in my heart and I am surprised that I forgot that for the last few days. I felt this intelligence smiling at me as I realized what I had done, and I bowed to her and thanked her. She has always been there and she waited all these years till I finally heard her call and I placed my life in this intelligence with humility and honesty.
For those of you that maybe experiencing a darkness in your lives trust that there is something there showing you the holy intelligence that feels uncomfortable, foreign and terrifying. It is a leap of faith! There is a tremendous surrender that awaits us and one must remain vigilant to its signals and how it communicates through coincidence, insight and tenderness.
This that I am communicating is not a gimmick or some trick to cheat pain but a service to our lives to be used for what has quietly been whispering in many of us throughout our lives and it is bringing us here to this very moment to see ourselves and what is possible for us in trust and surrendering to the truth and this love in our hearts.
Thank you to all that remind me of this light we have.
And an enormous thank you to my beautiful wife that has shown me miracles almost everyday since we met.