I have been working some very long hours lately. The last few months I have been making the type art of I have been wanting to make for a very long time. I have also managed to carve out a small living from it.

All of a sudden this week I have felt unfulfilled, unsure of my path. Fears about money and success started to creep in again.  I felt lost and not at all resembling what I have been feeling lately in my life. I posted an essay that I took down earlier today that to be perfectly honest was whiny and petty– all stemming from the conditioned fear that brought me a false sense of security from disappointment and failure.

I took it down because it was an older version of myself that I realize no longer serves this new dimension I have been observing that is possible. I call it – TRUST.

My wife and I sat outside tonight looking at the full moon and she asked why I was so upset?

I told her my whiny story and she showed me that everything that I thought about that story was false. It was an old familiar story nestled in fear. And all of a sudden I began to cry.  The cool night air hugged me with the moon shining overhead and I realized I doubted this intelligence– this wisdom that has gotten me here to manifest a loving supporting wife and a life that lets me do what I truly love. How could I?

I was ashamed and felt so small. I had taken the gift and taken it for granted for the last few days. My fear got a hold of me like it had in the past and convinced me that I knew what should happen next instead of trusting what has always been guiding me closer to my heart and the life I dreamt about long ago as a child.

Trust has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life because as a person that did not have an easy upbringing it was very hard for me to trust anything. I have always doubted everything and a few months ago I felt that pessimism and fear just fall away as I gave myself more and more into a type of self therapy through my art work. Things that I did not think were possible happened and then all of a sudden today I realized I was slowly going back into the old fear– the conditioned state we are all familiar with.

And in that very moment I knew what I had to do– STOP and fall into that trust again. This that is happening to us has an intelligence and when we are clear in our hearts life responds. And yes as cheesy and as ridiculous as I think that sounds I know it to be true.

A few months ago some very strange things starting happening to me while making art and it felt like other dimensions of reality were being revealed. I was given access to something I did not know anything about and there started my journey into this trust. It has been a beautiful journey filled with tenderness and joy that I had honestly never experienced before. But today for some reason I forgot all that and entered an old familiar way that “I” knew that it should be this way instead of that way.

I don’t know if I could get back to her, but I think so. The road of open heartedness and tender vulnerability is available but it does not happen the way we think it should. It has its own timing and momentum and all you have to do is make yourself available whenever it calls.

I am willing, blindfolded, and entering something that my conditioning knows nothing about. I do not know or understand it, but it was there when I was born and has been with me my whole life and because I was always afraid I blocked it out. It is also in all of you reading this.

My heart is open and willing to follow this light. When we trust and are willing to make ourselves an instrument instead of the subject of our lives amazing things can happen.

I have so much love in my heart and I am surprised that I forgot that for the last few days. I felt this intelligence smiling at me as I realized what I had done, and I bowed to her and thanked her. She has always been there and she waited all these years till I finally heard her call and I placed my life in this intelligence with humility and honesty.

For those of you that maybe experiencing a darkness in your lives trust that there is something there showing you the holy intelligence that feels uncomfortable, foreign and terrifying. It is a leap of faith! There is a tremendous surrender that awaits us and one must remain vigilant to its signals and how it communicates through coincidence, insight and tenderness.

This that I am communicating is not a gimmick or some trick to cheat pain but a service to our lives to be used for what has quietly been whispering in many of us throughout our lives and it is bringing us here to this very moment to see ourselves and what is possible for us in trust and surrendering to the truth and this love in our hearts.

Thank you to all that remind me of this light we have.

And an enormous thank you to my beautiful wife that has shown me miracles almost everyday since we met.

 

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Janes Vukosav - February 1, 2018 Reply

I love it, thanks Luis. I was recently telling my wife that sometimes (or most of the time) the cheesiest sayings are usually the most accurate description of how life actually works. It’s funny too, I feel like I only consider some sayings to be cheesy because of cultural or family conditioning. It is usually when I am home in my room or on the couch, away from the outside influences that I devour writings and articles like yours. When I read about your journey with trust and your description of being more like instruments for life, my heart feels like it wants to fly into the sky. Thanks for sharing!

Nils - February 1, 2018 Reply

Hmm…
Love is dangerous …
at least from the lens of our character.
My comment won’t sound so sweet as the first songbird’s did; but it is no less a song of love.
No intent is here to critique you either; I feel this site is about friendship… and safe vulnerability.
Personally I’m deep in the unknown duration of the dark night of the soul ; about ten weeks or so. Just to express where I’m at.
Luis, this “older version of yourself” seems to live in the house somewhere. I mean… he showed up just today…and wrote something to express himself. Then the current keeper of the house ripped down his work and wrote some defining article to ease the provocative waves that were stirred.
You expressed you were, “ ashamed” .
What a blasphemous creation shame is; and yet it is a mass-murdering night stalker we as a whole human race allow to roam as some dignified policing force for the common good.
I assume you don’t think that personally, but you bought one of its tasty candies; and that’s its trickery… it got the endorsement it was looking for.
I don’t know if there was a Jesus or not, but it doesn’t matter exactly. Repoertedly the character Jesus cried out while hanging wretchedly on the cross: Father, why hast thou forsaken me !
That is our same vulnerability… the very same.
Maybe if he could he would have edited ( that fucking self editor inside me!) that line; ripped it right out of existence . But he couldn’t.
Ironically, it’s crucial ,and perfect and never was a flaw.
Were it ripped out…
hmm… no, not a flaw; I don’t think so.
But, wouldn’t that grand mysterious thing that keeps casting its bait into our little calm pool in the river just keep casting until we become hungry enough to eat the divine offering ?
That, I experience to be so.
Like you recently, doubt deep conditioned doubt has come rising from the pits of my gut reeking like a drunk soiled in fear.
I bite the little hooks being offered and sacrifice some petty flesh.
But the big hook waits for me landing over and over… it’s just that the bait frightens me to death.
In short- is there an old Luis and current Luis, an old Nils (as I too report) and a new one ? Or, just the one very vulnerable person ?
I’m thinking the one.
Because we are in a time with the possibility of unprecedented world presentation with the internet, and because you have decided to offer engagement with the world ( very courageous of you) I send my response.
Again, not intending conflict or anything negative.
Really just feeling the connection.

    Luis Campos - February 2, 2018 Reply

    I believe there is an honest place within ourselves that is just vulnerability and the rest – the two Luis’ are just aspects of the conditioned perspective that language naturally creates. But to see that one side is old and the other feels new may give us clarity to seeing another way of doing things. That other way provides me an opportunity to get the hook out of my own mouth. But first I must feel its sting it seems.

    And in the end it was just a whiny essay that spurred this one. And I have had my share of whininess and it feels I have to choose my words and actions more wisely, that seems to be what life is pointing out to me. It is easy to believe that I am more my conditioning than I am anything else, but when I am able to trust my vulnerability it reveals that I am this sensation being realized, and that is all we can define ourselves as in the moment with any honesty…

    The rest are fleeting clouds over head as we take another bite of the candy or like some fish reject my bait and something in them says– NOT THAT AGAIN.

    The dark night of the soul is a very intense place and a world I know that is raw and bare with all that I hid from long ago. My heart goes out to you. And to this day that dark night lives in me, reminding me of the present guarding I seem to put up when I don’t want to be that that is staring back at me in the moment. It is the first place I came to understand vulnerability and its immense power for transcendence.

    Thank you for your words of insight.

Annie Charnley - February 1, 2018 Reply

This piece you’ve written is a synchronicity for me!

This is exactly what I’m going through right now. And I have experienced this trust and surrender and intelligence you speak of, many times this year. But it never stayed, they were just glimpses. My conditioning always came back to ruin again I’m guessing. So I hope I can keep on trusting and following the intelligent messages and signs, and not try to know.

Thanks so much for this x

    Luis Campos - February 2, 2018 Reply

    Strange that it does that and that mystery is humbling. It seems in my experience that the ying yang symbol is the one of our truest symbols for that duality. It lives in us and it is always dancing to show us aspects of the whole.

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