My Favorite Loss

This is one of my favorite Alan Watts clip I have heard. It describes lately the process of trust that I have been struggling to understand.

At some point we all desire to control things and produce a certain outcome. This clip elucidates clearly the mechanisms that are in play when we think we want things a certain way.

Many times I notice that life knows better than I do and when I really try to force my will and fears on things I suffer tremendously. It also does not help that we have models all around us of enforcing our will to be done as a means to being happy and successful.

The hardest thing to balance for myself is in accomplishing something that is true in my heart and allowing it to be. In other words I have trouble just letting IT be in the mystery of it all. Many times I want it to be something in particular and I want it to produce a particular outcome to quell my fears. But that part is becoming clearer to me everyday that that is not my job. My job seems to be is make the stuff the rest is not mine to govern.

When I divorced my ex wife years ago I thought it should not happen and yet it did. I learned more than I could have ever asked for about being in relationship by losing that one. And to this day that loss has served me more than I could have ever imagined.

Many times the hardships of my life seem cruel and unbearable but the longer I pay close attention the pain signals are teaching me to trust and soften more than I thought I could.

I will not lie these lessons are hard and not easy in the moment but to know that life is not against me can sometimes helps me open to possibilities that I didn’t think were possible and many times I see life is offering me grace and strength more than cruelty.

It seems I am being asked to love more than resist or hate what is happening. Not that life is a series of acceptances because it is also important to listen to the part of us that also says– “I will not allow this anymore.” But rarely do I listen wisely. Many times I listen fearfully and there I lose what is trying to communicate to me — to love and heal with a wise heart.

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Aron - February 6, 2018 Reply

Thank you Luis,

Something ”similar” going on for me. The letting go, the trusting, the allowance. I dont really want to accept that yes, through some of my toughest moments, I have learnt deeply Im not sure how confident I am about still being ”tested” put into some challenging hear breaking situation, and being able to trust the higher good in it.

I have found though, that I can ”make it” so far on my own, but there does seem to be an element that is missing, ”something” in order to assist guide and aid further. To calm the waves, and settle the storm, that at times may take a hold of me, and there is no technique,no amount of mediation, that seems to settle it. Rather Im uncomfortably finding, that a ”dialogue” of sorts needs to take place, a relationship needs to be formed, with that which we may call God. Its a mix bag for me, of different thoughts and emotions, some cynical, others doubtful, some shameful, a deep sense of inferiority. A fear in letting go, in making space, inviting in. A sense of possible madness(at yet this has been done since the beginning of time ) this list goes on.

I find that my ”rational” mind needs to understand this all, before I take these steps forward (to see if its ”safe”). But then again, its the impossible to even attempt at grasping. It seems that a leap of faith needs to be taken, into the ”unknown” a very much letting go, and opening of a door that can never be closed. Like loosing ones virginity.

Im reminded now when I type this, about Christof in the Truman Show, when for the first time speaks to Truman, and says ”Truman, I can hear you”.

Bernie - February 8, 2018 Reply

On a lighter note:

As a tech professional who calls IT when things go wrong, I have to agree that “IT [is] the mystery of it all”!

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