In A Dark Hour

I have someone close to me that is going through a tough time. Last night I told him to call me but I missed his call while I was showering. When I got out and looked at my phone I felt awful. I tried reaching him but he did not answer. In that moment I felt that I had failed him.

In reality I know that life has its own mystery happening and of course I wanted to be there for him if he called, but he never did and I worried about him all night and imagined the pain of  him having to go through all this alone.

Life has these moments where things are going terribly and to have someone by your side that says “I am here and I won’t let you do this alone” for some people can be of great comfort. The most interesting thing is when opportunities like that are missed, what then?

What is life telling us in these hard places in our lives?

Is life teaching us that no one cares? I think not. In that moment I think life is asking us, can we try again to be seen and share ourselves, if not with that person we are trying to reach or maybe the person right in front of us.

Life is doing things to all of us that we do not want. And sometimes accepting those things is brutal and coarse.

Is acceptance like this a choice?

Sometimes it feels that it is and at other times it feels that “THY WILL WILL BE DONE!”

It can feel like life is doing something with little care for the character we believe to be. In those moments I have found prayer to be a great consolation. In the darkest hours of my life I have asked for mercy and grace, to what I do not know? I do not know if something can hear me or even cares what I want or believe in. But the act of praying is a type of vulnerability that I think can soften the extremely jagged edges life catches us on at moments of hardship.

Whenever I pray something inside me softens and there I am shown that I am willing to go with what life is revealing to me. It is humbling to see at times that the thing we dread the most has no way out and it is here starkly staring back at us. There it seems life is teaching us to die to the many moments we encounter.

We will all come to our end, some of us instantaneously and others will suffer a long drawn out pain that seems terrifyingly unbearable.

Life can feel cruel and intolarable many times, and yes allowing everything as it is seems like a great possibility but for those like myself that at times can’t– then what?

Prayer seems silly and foolish in a world that sees that all of it may be a fairy tale. The idea of prayer in certain circles appears totally amateur and foolish. And I understand that view as well, those that do not believe in anything may be some of the bravest in our world. For how could all this happen without reason?

How can the death of our children be without purpose? How can falling in love feel to be the greatest gift and then taken away from us the in the very next moment?

Why is love so powerful and the loss of it shatters us into pieces that do no resemble the notion of ourselves at all?

This life is very very hard especially if you resemble anything like me, that is stubborn and foolish and sees tremendous beauty in the fleeting, in the heartbreak, and the joy that is offered to us in being honest with ourselves and those we love.

Life has only asked me one thing my entire life and now after more than 4 decades I am answering– Can you be yourself?

“Being yourself” to me feels cheap in a psych pop culture Oprah moment kind of way, but the question is deeper when we are faced with the things that seem unbearable. Can we tell the truth? Can we let life totally show us what we are in this very moment of tremendous hardship?

My answer is yes and that goes with a prayer that goes something like this- Give me the opportunity in this moment to be the grace that feels unavailable and to be shown that love is possible in the darkest moments?

There in that moment I die and truly live. In that moment I am seeing all that mattered and all the foolishness my life consisted of. It is the heartbreak we all search for and can barely stand to live. Life was bigger than we thought and more important than the things we carried. And it all happened just for us if we are willing to look and touch the truth we feel inside.

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Sarah - January 30, 2018 Reply

Luis,

This is beautiful! So honest, it describes where I am. Prayer, trust and opening to goodness and grace is powerful in a way I’ll never understand- but it feels like the best response to life’s challenges. It’s the way to allow healing. Thank you for sharing this.
Your friend, Sarah

Aron - February 1, 2018 Reply

Thank You Luis.

Im not a parent, and I am not confident that if my child was ”alone” and in a dark hour, that I would not be able to step in and comfort. So for a moment, I imagine the strength and confidence that the ”Cosmic parent” (what ever you would cal it ) having the ”self control’, trust, to not intervene and ”save” us from the darkest of hours, but to be patiently waiting,(on tender hooks) for the call for assistance and guidance.

My mother is going through a rather challenging time, with a certain relationship in her life, so overly complexed that she was not sure of what step to take next, painted into a corner, but in her willingness a ”door” opened that she could have never anticipated or envisioned, or rather a key if you will, was presented to a door that was ”never” previously there.

Not sure if this is fitting, but it came to mind.

“Nature loves courage. You make the commitment and nature will respond to that commitment by removing impossible obstacles. Dream the impossible dream and the world will not grind you under, it will lift you up. This is the trick. This is what all these teachers and philosophers who really counted, who really touched the alchemical gold, this is what they understood. This is the shamanic dance in the waterfall. This is how magic is done. By hurling yourself into the abyss and discovering it’s a feather bed.”

― Terence McKenna

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