I got some bad news about my health yesterday. No need to check in on me or wish me well, unless you are the best damn cardiologist in the biz and want to treat me for free.
My wife was very upset about it today. I do NOT have a death sentence but the future looks like it may have some challenges up ahead. We are both scared. I can’t imagine my life without her and I imagine she feels the same. It is scary to really want someone around. I understand why people put their walls up because it hurts and it’s terrifying to get things that feel to be a part of you taken away. She is my missing piece and my best friend.
I had this feeling for a long time that something was wrong but people kept saying that I was fine because I look fine and act fine, but like my father I have a good intuition about things. Maybe for me like him it may be too late but I hope not.
I am really afraid of all the pain that I will experience and of course what my family will go through if they lose me but I suspect that death is not the scary part — it is the aliveness of it all. To be alive is so terrifying! To risk so much that can be hurt or taken away is so intense. Losing any of the people I love so very, very much seems too intense for me. I am selfish and in a way I’d rather go first than last.
I am not sure what all the stuff they are going to do with my heart will entail but all I know is that I have this moment right now to be here writing this to you and there is joy. I am scared but there is joy. I don’t want to leave but there is joy. I love so much and there is joy. I am sad and there is joy. I miss my dad but there is joy. I miss my childhood and there is joy.
I wish I could hold the little boy I was long ago and tell him that there’s nothing wrong with him and to trust his heart all the way to the very end.
A few months ago before all this I made a decision to just do what brings me joy and now I understand why. I also thought that I should do the show again and that it could be more vulnerable, more human and a lot funnier. The last 3 months of my life have been the happiest I have ever been. And I am not sure what will happen but I want to thank Joey and all the people that encouraged me to do this show — this life. I will keep at it as long as I can. And maybe the doctors will get it right and fix this broken heart.
Thank you for reading this and being a part of something that means a lot to me,