All Posts by Luis Campos

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Episode 10 “The Heart Knows”

Description: Martin Luther King, Internet trolls, silence of the lambs, the tattoo box, the hugging saint, end of life questions.

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4

Why Go Back?

“Why go back?”

This a question I ask myself quite a bit, especially in the last 24 hours.

I had to go back to the periodontist today for possibly more gum surgery. He’s one of those doctors that does not have a great bedside-manor but supposedly he is the best. From all the complications I have had I would say he is far from it. The list is long and I will not bore you with the details. But I am looking for a new doctor.

Most of his patients wait about 30 minutes or more in the modern art waiting room. Which is not a long time according to “Miami doctor time”. I don’t have a lot of patience for most of the theatrics that go on in traditional “modern” medicine. Most people do not see the ridiculous socially acceptable things we allow medical professionals to do to us. If you live in Miami, Florida it is not uncommon to wait between 30 minutes to 1 hour to see a doctor and  sometimes more. What doctor would see us an hour past our appointment time without rescheduling? Today something in me said, “I am not playing this game anymore.”

Today was just a consultation for more work and when I walked in at 10:58 a.m. for my 11 o’clock the receptionist said, “Let me text him.” I knew immediately he was not in the building and he has done this before. I started to get angry. I asked the nurse walking behind the receptionist — is he in the building and she said yes. The quiver in her voice and the half hour later proved to me that that was untrue.

He has this trick that I figured out this time around. They send you back and put a bib around your neck and ask you the same questions while the receptionist calls him and tells him the coast is clear because the building does not have a back entrance. I waited a few more minutes and something in me just said— get up and don’t look back. I was done.

As I walked out the receptionist’s eyes were as big as saucers. She could feel the vibe I was putting off. She squeamishly asked, “Are you leaving?” I said, “Yeah I am done with all this. I told you I had to be somewhere at 12.”

Minutes later my phone lit up with him calling me through his personal cellphone. I did not answer because I do not have the self control to keep my mouth shut and play nice. So I didn’t take it. Also with all the other medical stuff that is going on with me I am trying to keep my stress levels low. But still I was fuming and my heart felt crazy.

At 12 I had a lunch date with my wife, my mom, my youngest sister and her husband. My sister and her husband are really cool people and even though we are nothing alike they love me and I absolutely adore them. I told them the story and my mom in usual fashion sided with anyone but me. She has done it since I could remember. My mom could find fault in me becoming a saint. It is just her way.

After our lunch we said our goodbyes while my mom continued to criticize all the things I had done wrong with the periodontist. On and on it went. I hugged my mom and told her -” I still love you Mom, goodbye.” My wife and I got in the car and left.

Eventually a sick feeling came over me. I felt awful. This feeling was so familiar it happens almost every time I see my mother.

I have talked to my mom a lot about her way and nothing ever changes. My sisters, and most people that know her have all run up against the same thing that I am describing. Her reputation is notorious. She is not all bad. She occasionally can have a very sweet way about her but you have to be completely alone with her, otherwise her walls go up and there is no climbing them or taking them down.

I was sad as I drove back home through the Everglades. This drive back home for me always makes me feel better. The further I get away from the city I become lighter, my muscles start to relax. My vision becomes sharp and focused. I become excited to see the many birds and gators that line the edges of the Tamiami trail through the river of grass, but today was different. There was a heaviness and exhaustion to me.

My wife and I spoke about it on the drive back. I wasn’t mad. I was just disappointed and hurt that it is always like this. I know it is not personal because she does it to the waiter, to my sisters and the list goes on. She will do it to you if you meet her. Where does all that come from?

I have tried everything from letting it go to having a family meeting about it. I have even stopped communicating with her for a while. Eventually she is back in my life. She apologizes and recognizes her wrong but after a while she gets comfortable again and the pain games begin.

I have thought about never speaking to her again but in latin culture that is a mortal sin. It is something that I know I have learned culturally but after a while I feel sorry for this little old lady that is controlling, angry and probably scared.

Why does it hurt me? Why do I go back? I keep expecting that one day she will change and she never does. Many of us feel the same way about her. Have I not done enough psychotherapy to know better?

Psychotherapy did give me the ability to recognize that it is not me that she is upset with. It took me decades to allow a woman to love me. It took me decades to learn to trust a woman. It was so hard. I can’t believe how hard I worked at it.

But she can still rattle my cage. It still hurts. The child inside feels all of it without understanding the reality of what is hurting or truly happening.

Why do I go back? Why do we go back to things like this and when do we never go back again?

I would love for her to change, and be the way she is when she is one on one with me. When she feels safe which is rare she is my mom. The rest of the time she is this little girl that is scared just like my little boy that is here now. I imagine him holding her hand and saying I am scared too, this world is too much.

Why do we go back?

I don’t really know, but maybe one day I wont go back anymore. I don’t know how to make it better but it feels nice to imagine us both as children sharing our confusion and fear. It is easier that way — to know that we are both lost feeling all this that seems to be too much.

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Scared & Willing

I just had a short email exchange with Joey about content for our next episode.

I want to change things up all the time. I want to try and not repeat myself.

I become very suspicious when ever I hear myself or anyone else saying the same thing again and again. For me that incessant repetition is a safety net. When I keep repeating myself I know I want to convince myself of something uncertain.

I want to try different messages. I want to play with different words, thoughts, actions, and feelings.

I have asked myself and Joey — what if we did a show that doesn’t let us fall back on our go- to responses? What if we had a show that we said nothing familiar? I don’t know if one could do that consciously.

Life is so wild and comes in with something new, amazing and horrible when we least expect it. I guess I want to be more open, more surprised, and maybe more horrified.

I still see parts of me that I repeat on the show and in my own life and I cringe. It feels like it is not alive, it is a safe recipe for living.

The great surprises come when I least expect them and I have my eye off the ball. It is not focus but openness that lets things in.

Intention may play a part and lately I feel something is trying to say something but it is a whisper. I may never get to hear its words, but I am open.

I see that even getting bad news about my health is exciting not because I am fearless but maybe I get to let something  go that I do not need to hold on to anymore.

I wonder if I can express something new. I want the opportunity to say something other than what I have said before. And if it doesn’t happen what is it like to fail openly?

18

BAD NEWS

I got some bad news about my health yesterday. No need to check in on me or wish me well, unless you are the best damn cardiologist in the biz and want to treat me for free.

My wife was very upset about it today. I do NOT have a death sentence but the future looks like it may have some challenges up ahead. We are both scared. I can’t imagine my life without her and I imagine she feels the same. It is scary to really want someone around. I understand why people put their walls up because it hurts and it’s terrifying to get things that feel to be a part of you taken away. She is my missing piece and my best friend.

I had this feeling for a long time that something was wrong but people kept saying that I was fine because I look fine and act fine, but like my father I have a good intuition about things. Maybe for me like him it may be too late but I hope not.

I am really afraid of all the pain that I will experience and of course what my family will go through if they lose me but I suspect that death is not the scary part — it is the aliveness of it all. To be alive is so terrifying! To risk so much that can be hurt or taken away is so intense. Losing any of the people I love so very, very much seems too intense for me. I am selfish and in a way I’d rather go first than last.

I am not sure what all the stuff they are going to do with my heart will entail but all I know is that I have this moment right now to be here writing this to you and there is joy. I am scared but there is joy. I don’t want to leave but there is joy. I love so much and there is joy. I am sad and there is joy. I miss my dad but there is joy. I miss my childhood and there is joy.

I wish I could hold the little boy I was long ago and tell him that there’s nothing wrong with him and to trust his heart all the way to the very end.

A few months ago before all this I made a decision to just do what brings me joy and now I understand why. I also thought that I should do the show again and that it could be more vulnerable, more human and a lot funnier. The last 3 months of my life have been the happiest I have ever been. And I am not sure what will happen but I want to thank Joey and all the people that encouraged me to do this show — this life. I will keep at it as long as I can. And maybe the doctors will get it right and fix this broken heart.

Thank you for reading this and being a part of something that means a lot to me,

Luis

A Special Broadcast Tonight!

Joey and I are releasing a two part special on conspiracies that will be available tonight at midnight EST on youtube and itunes. Follow us down the strange path and let us know what you believe! Thank you!

 

Here are the links: https://youtu.be/QFmlsKu2hno & https://youtu.be/crckYG2Kbz0

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Authenticity?

Do we want authenticity?

I recently heard an artist talk about his work and he said, “No one wants authenticity. We all think we want that but the reality of it is always duller.”

I don’t think he meant that we want to be lied to, but that we want a manipulation of the actual experience we are trying to express, understand or have. We are story tellers in a sense.

I understood his message as someone that makes images as part of his livelihood. A tattoo or a painting is just an idealized version of the subject matter or emotions that are trying to be portrayed as objects in an abstract visual language. And in fact abstraction is an immensely powerful thing that I think we take for granted in the way we think and feel.

Even an autobiography is an abstraction of someone’s life. We don’t want to hear endlessly page after page of their actual life we want the best and worst moments. Yes?

Even our own feelings are just idealized abstractions to get to some resolution about the messy unclear messages we are actually receiving.

So the “best” versions of something are ones that in my opinion can be idealized and abstracted clearly. Strange huh?

Language and thoughts are abstractions and in a sense we are not in reality we are abstracting reality or better said we are imagining reality.

Not that cool when you are ABSOLUTELY convinced that you are right about something that seems so real and important?

Our imagined world of choices, problems, and pleasures are all idealized abstractions.

So where do we go from here?

By now you may be wanting a paragraph that leaves you feeling good or at least leaves you feeling all warm, fuzzy, and complete but those are manipulations and tricks I see myself and most writers use to manipulate the actual experience.

So beware because authenticity can be boring.

I am not saying that something is wrong or that something has to be corrected but next time you get fooled or duped just realize it is our nature to idealize and abstract the way things actually are and we love that.

Next time you read something just look and see that there is a hero hiding in there wanting to be agreed with in the most subtle way and the good news is that when something seems impossible just know it may be an idealized abstracted version of reality and in that there is freedom.

See what I just did there?

Sincerely,

Luis

4

The Death Of Non Duality Interview

Recently Joey and I decided we may want to do a monthly interview on the show. We decided to ask a few people. I wanted to have someone on show that was extremely helpful to me in some very tough moments in my life. But if you guys know how Joey and I do things we didn’t want talk about all the stuff you see people say on their videos and books. We wanted to talk to the person in a sense. We want to talk to people about ordinary shit not necessarily all the stuff they are famous for. I contacted one of those people and asked if they would be on the show but not necessarily talk about what he or she teaches but more about their life. The person responded by saying — So you want to interview me about what I am not. I laughed and said yes!

As the interview started I foolishly jumped in with a very personal story about myself that I will try to summarize quickly that a few people may already know about me. 4 years ago I had what some people would call a spiritual awakening. After sometime I realized that what I thought was an awakening was an experience and not necessarily what I was actually looking for, or better said I wanted a permanent state or an experience with certain aspects of awakening. I wanted to completely fall into the realization that I was not a self, and as this process took place what happened for 3 years were the most intense and difficult moments that I could have ever imagined. In year one and two of this supposed awakening I dealt with everything that I thought I was, and the traumas that came from it. There was rarely a day that I was not crying and hiding from coworkers and family as I felt myself unraveling. Year three I had a nervous breakdown, quit my job, got very sick, had to get surgery on my jaw, fell off a bridge, was in a car accident and moved to Florida. I could barely function to be honest. A few months prior to that I sort of quit doing the show because I could not handle the most basic things.

After that nervous breakdown things got so dark for me that I was barely functional. I have always been chronically depressed but I had never experienced a darkness like this. About six months ago I was contemplating suicide. I remember the day that I started seriously thinking about it. I was driving to a doctors appointment and crying my eyes out in rush hour Miami traffic. I was trying to pull it together before seeing my doctor and I prayed to nothing out loud and said, “I need a miracle. I can’t live like this anymore.” A few weeks later an answer came from nowhere that sounded like — “You can’t escape or solve an imaginary problem.” In that moment I felt like a pop in my body, and all of a sudden I understood that the whole thing that felt so dark and true was no longer there. What happened for weeks after that I had this sense of gratitude, trust and joy that was never there before. I no longer cared so much about no self or enlightenment. I was just grateful to have a life that had joy and love in it. And here I am writing to you and doing the show again.

I told this story at the beginning of the interview and there was no response from anyone. The silence was so awkward and uncomfortable. All I could say was — o-k. And the then I just jumped into some stupid question to kill the silence and the dead air that strangled me. And then the person we were interviewing started on their non dual teachings and after about 40 minutes Joey finally asked one question and then the person broke out these spirituality books, and on and on it went. Inside of me I was thinking this is a fucking mess and a nightmare. I wanted it all to stop but we kept on talking. I would say something and feel myself regretting the next word and the next word. It was a grand failure. The last few minutes of the interview we actually had a conversation about our lives — the thing I actually wanted to do in the first place but by that time rolled around it was too late I had realized something that I could not undo.

Spirituality and non duality were dead things to me in that moment. The ideas that were spouted even by me no longer had any real relevance in my life. I had heard the messages and used some of these valuable tools to dislodge some views that were no longer serving me. The idea of awakening or the glorious desired enlightenment was seen to be just a philosophical and psychological antidote to the pains we all confront in our lives, and I see that some people live that way forever. Fo me there is this sense of detachment of always speaking in these special terms like – I am not a person or there is no one here. Blah, blah, blah. I realized I had done something like this on the show a year ago. I had been that type of person that I was now interviewing. I found all those terms annoying and dead in a way. I couldn’t imagine continuing to just say the same things again and again. It would feel like a prison sentence if I had to just keep saying the same things like a technique or a philosophy for life. I didn’t want an antidote anymore. I wanted to live all of it. And at that moment I observed something in me that I no longer needed — the answer or the right way. lt was all dead to me — the answers and solutions were seen to be addressing a fear phantom. I wasn’t a non dualist or anything specific now. I wasn’t consciousness or spirit or anything. I was Luis and if I were totally honest I wouldn’t know what any those words really meant.

At the moment it was like saying goodbye to an old friend and in a way I knew that maybe I wouldn’t see them again and a sadness came over me that was bittersweet. I was glad I met them but at the same time I wanted to live something without boundary or definition and I didn’t even want to hold on to what I was currently saying. I wanted to get to know people and share my experiences. I was completely ordinary and no longer pretending to be anything else. And in that I found a fire and passion that wants to share this with the world and hope that I get the opportunity to do it. And I am so thankful to Joey Lott for being part of this with me. He is my co pilot in this messy show that at times seems to be going in the wrong direction, but I realize I want to experience and feel it all now and this is how it happens.

I feel so lucky every time I write, speak and love and care for anything. I am even glad that my heart breaks so easily because in that I see myself in all these people I meet. Even when they are headed in a direction I do not like I see myself in them and understand their enthusiasm even though I am bored and no longer interested.

The magic of the show for me is that I don’t know what is happening and it feels so alive (electric) and not remotely dead; to me it is on the edge of the very things we are speaking about. I love the idea of risk and vulnerability because it is there where fear seems to be real and shows me that fear is learned and to trust in the wildness of it all seems worth the risk.

Thank you for being of part of this and reading this.

Luis

Satanism, Trump, and The New Agers

I recently went down a “worm hole” on the internet — I found some David Icke videos and in that search where I forget what is happening all around me I went deeper and deeper into a strange dark world where conspiracies about satanist and the illuminati were truly the ones controlling the planet. In the plethora of stuff that is out there I found a recent podcast by Joe Rogan # 911. His guest was Alex Jones. If you are not familiar with him look him up. Jones talked about all kinds of crazy stuff from multi dimensional beings, to the satanic elite illuminati cults that molest children, to a fake landing on the moon. On and on he went ranting, but there was something at around 1 hour and 45 minutes that clicked with me. I wont go into it here but it made intuitive sense to me. It was this incessant feeling that I have always had about the evil and cruel actions of human beings on the planet, and here was Alex explaining how all this came to be. I am not saying he is right or that I even believe what he said but finally there was a reason for it all it seemed.

I have always been suspicious of all this stuff as having any real validity and how could one individual fight the satanic globalists that are enslaving us? Isn’t Satan a fictional character? If there are reptilians and inter dimensional beings how could one little 150 pound Luis do anything about it?

It left me stressed as I tried going to sleep that night. The next morning I woke up and found someone by the name of Mark Passio an ex-satanist that is claiming to be truly awake and was here to inform us about the satanic global dominion that is enslaving us. Passio is very intense, and a powerful speaker. I remember over a year ago a friend telling me about him and me just saying this is too much for me right now. It left me feeling confused and paranoid. And I didn’t want to start feeling that way again. People in my family know that I can get crazy with this stuff. I was held hostage at gun point when I was 18 and it took me a very a long time to get over the idea that there were people out there trying to get me. Therapy sort of helped, but true self inquiry about the nature of my thoughts is what undid that knot. And here I was again facing my inner demons, or better said the many memories that I have of myself and what I have been through.

I have to admit the Icke, Jones, and Passio’s conspiracies of satanist running the planet scares the hell out of me. Probably because I can’t imagine such evil and yet it explains the immense nonsensical cruelty I see in the world. As a child I was so afraid of Satan that at age of 10, after watching the movies ‘The Exorcist’ and ‘The Omen’ I was taken to a psychologist and hypnotist to cure me of my fear of being possessed by the devil himself. It was so bad that for almost a year before my first visit with the therapist I was sleeping just a couple of hours a night on the floor near the foot of my parents bed completely exhausted from the terror of demonic possession. My father insisted that I was being a sissy. My mother was a bit more understanding and took me to get some help. It was a very difficult 2 years to say the least.

So my earliest memory of starting to be treated psychologically for all my mental woes started at around 10. And if any of you know my story I spent over 3 decades in and out of therapy of all kinds for mood disorders, delusions, etc. And now I am no longer doing that. In fact I feel to be somewhat done with a lot of that stuff. But who knows?

But as I watched these people tell me how I was being enslaved and how horrible everything was I started to think of Trump, our new president. Trump embodies many of the ideologies that go against my very liberal views. And even these supposed righteous views that I thought were mine were implanted supposedly by the satanist themselves, according to Mr. Passio.

I could feel my mind wanting to get out. It felt like I was in a long dark hallway with hundreds of doors and none opened or could let me out of this mess that I had gotten myself into. All the doors were locked, and the more I heard these people speak the more I tried the next door and the next door in my mind, and on and on it went. And then I remembered something that is always available — ‘this is an imaginary problem and all I have to do is see it as that.’ It was a tool that has helped me many times when I start to obsess about anything. But Mr. Passio was saying that the new age movement was teaching us all to be passive and to not act.

According to Passio one of the new age movement’s techniques to keep us docile was about ignoring the horrors of the world and just accepting everything as it is. He said this was all part of the illuminati satanist agenda. I know some new age people and they do not seem to be ignoring the horrors of the world, in fact some are very focused on them. I don’t consider myself “new agee” but I do see a few useful things in that from time to time.

I also realize that everything I have ever learned or believed was given to me as a concept by someone, and I have no evidence to tell me who truly put it there, and what were their ultimate means on making me believe these concepts as my own. And who chooses what becomes ours? I don’t know. I am also not excluding the responsibilities of my actions, words, or thoughts here. Passio also said that this lack of responsibility of choice and selfhood was another “new ager bs” technique. I don’t have to deny other people’s truth but if these whistle blowers want me to see their views as real possibilities first they have to understand that there are people out there that are going to need a shit ton of evidence to start seeing things in a whole new way.

All this reminds me of preachers, politicians and even new age enlightenment teachers offering some ultimate solution to the world’s woes. So many people have told us time and time again that this is the real problem. But do I really want to follow this for years to find out that Passio, Jones or Icke were just trying to sell me something new? These guys are up against some real cynicism and ignorance and that seems like an enormous undertaking.

Passio, Icke and Jones remind me of a very western view that is attributed to communists, socialists, liberals, jihadists, cult leaders and many other supposed enemies of America and freedom itself — fundamentalism and dogmatism always seem to follow fear mongering. I am not saying that there is no satanic illuminati agenda, and that we should not stop reptilian satanist from hurting children. I am saying that the very things Passio claims that the satanist are doing he himself is doing with his ideologies and his approach. He does admit that he is a luciferian which is not the same thing as satanist. He says he is on the side of good and not bad. It is simple to say I am this or that, and I know the new age movement has brain washed me in this way (winky face), but I disagree with the supposed new age movement in so many ways. I disagree with most people to what anything truly is. Passio claims most of those people in the new age scene are brain washed cowards. I think he is trying to incite people to act and be courageous, but his means could use some polishing.

For me it takes great courage to not know, to lose certainty and to lose yourself and to be shown a vulnerability that destroys everything you took yourself to be. It takes an enormous amount of trust and courage to have absolutely nothing that one can hold onto when you confront this emptiness and horror in the world, and to choose love and your own version of truth seems brave.

To me the real question is does any of this do anything to target the essential problem? The proof of satanists controlling the planet does not seem to be the real problem. What does seem to be the real issue is the fact that we are being enslaved through the culture of self obsession, money, and that children are being tortured and killed. Forget the horns and go after the real issues in my opinion. If there are inter dimensional reptilians and the moon is a space ship how does the average person do something with that? How do we stop it? I hear a lot of problems but few definitive solutions other than the exposure of the immense outrageous problem. Do Icke, Jones or Passio realize how hard it is to grock all this?

Right now I have no definitive evidence of reptilian satanists controlling me, I see materialism and the fascination with ourselves destroying us more than we care to admit, and that goes along with the satanist agenda quite well. It all sounds awful and all seems doomed but what I choose to do is not turn my back on any of it. All I can do is act when I confront what I believe to be wrong and that is what any of us can do. I have always liked the quote, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” And Passio and I seem to be doing this in our own unique ways.

Everyone that I know from spiritual teachers to dictators to the satanists offer us something like freedom as if it were a real object that one gets at the end of a battle. I see only more problems with that promise. I also know that what these people were saying was at least partially true. There are children being abused and killed for sick reasons and I want to do something about that right now. This is where I start. Help us stop this. Become informed.

All I can do is follow what feels true in me and use my words, my actions in relationship with those around me, and hope that it undoes the cruelty, fear, and enslavement of us all. If any of the things that these people have said are true I commend them for their honesty and dedication to the truth. But one thing that sticks out in my mind is would they let Passio or Icke live to utter one word of this if it were true, or is that also part of the plan? It is all too strange. It can leave someone numb with so many possibilities.

In conclusion, I don’t know if the Satanist are running the planet, but maybe? I don’t know if Trump is the killer of us, or the savior of us, but all I can do is take responsibility for myself and act in a way that serves what is true in my heart. And I can honestly say that I did learn some very valuable things from all of it that have changed me and I am very grateful for it.

Thanks for being a part of this and reading this,

Luis

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